Thursday, January 17, 2019

The Thing People Admire Most About Me Is the Thing I Hate the Most

People admire me because I never give up, no matter how many times I fail. To them, it's a sign of strength and a strong will, but to me it's a constant reminder of why I have to start over so many times, and why I am constantly failing.

I've never been a go-getter. I never was career minded or driven to succeed. I just wanted to make enough money to not be constantly struggling. I've never really achieved that goal, and the reason is because I'm lazy.

Yes, I admit it, I'm lazy. I start projects but I always fail because I don't work hard enough or long enough to get anywhere with them.

Take my freelance writing. Most of the people I started with long ago on the content mills have moved on to private clients. Those still in the mills worked hard when work was available, got promotions, got direct orders, and are making decent money. I never did any of that, so now I'm still stuck at the lower rungs and will never get to where they are, mostly because I don't want to.

Writing Wasn't Really a Choice, Nor Is It a Passion

I truly hate content writing, especially the e-commerce writing that dominates the mills today. If I never have to write another product description, I'll be perfectly happy. So I don't. I don't write anything on the mills, because being such a failure still stuck at the bottom makes me hate even going to the sites.

I got thrown into content writing during the recession, because I couldn't find another job at first, then I lost my car, so I had no way to get to a job. I could have been successful at it, but I didn't really try hard enough. I never considered it a full-time job. I worked enough to pay the bills, never did make enough to save any money, so when a source of income dried up, I was always in trouble. I feel guilty about this, because so many people helped me out during these times, and I didn't deserve their help.

Scheme After Scheme After Scheme

I always have a new scheme for making money, getting out of poverty and moving up in the world. They all fail because I just don't put my heart and soul into them. Sometimes, I never even start them.

My latest scheme is affiliate marketing. I decided on that not because I could make a goodly amount of easy money, but because I actually enjoy blogging and teaching people about things I'm interested in. I have plans for how I'm going to start. I've been reading about it for years, even bought some books (which I haven't read). I bought hosting space and picked out a nice Wordpress template. My plan was to start on Jan. 1 of this year.

So far, I haven't done anything. I haven't set up my template, I haven't written many blogs posts this year (the plan was 3 a week), and I haven't even put any Amazon or eBay widgets or links on my existing blogs. I've just been sitting here, watching TV and playing on social media, promising myself I'll start tomorrow, which I never do. I've done that for the past 17 days.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I always have excuses. It's too hot, it's too cold, I don't feel well, I have to go shopping, shopping wears me out, blah, blah, blah. Those excuses aren't lies, but they aren't legitimate reasons why I shouldn't be working.

I've tried to figure out why I'm like this. I could blame it on my parents and family, who always put me down, told me I'd never succeed, and literally called me crazy because I got angry when they abused me. That's not a good excuse. Lots of people had worse upbringings than I did, and they managed to succeed.

I don't know why I make excuses or why I'm not motivated to do anything better with my life. I've always been self-sabotaging. No amount of counseling or medication has ever helped me overcome that.

Truth be told, I just don't want the responsibility. I had so much responsibility for so long, and it always drove me to near total insanity, because I don't handle stress well. If I'm successful, there will be expectations, and I've never lived up to anyone's expectations, so why put myself in that position?

No one expects anything of me now. They don't expect me to succeed at anything, or keep promises, or be able to deal with life in general. I've fallen into a comfort zone with that.

So maybe I'll do the affiliate marketing, and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live on welfare the rest of my life, watching tv and playing on social media. I don't know, but right now, I'm not really motivated to do much of anything, so I'm going to go watch some TV and then go for a long walk.

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