Sunday, August 11, 2019

How Do You Break Out of Survival Mode and Make Your Life Better?

“I often think I can’t do this anymore but then I realize what choice do I have?” —Justin Blaney

It's so hard to get up every day sometimes and just keep surviving. It's hard to keep believing that things are going to get better, when they've been bad for so long. After awhile, you just give up and settle for the life you have.

I should be deliriously happy right now. My son loaned me some money to get a car, and a car would change my life completely. It would also be a huge burden that I'm not sure I want. I'd have to spend most of my disposable income supporting said car, then I'd have nothing to save to move to Mexico. 

I think I can make money with the car, but what if it turns out that I can't, or it's too hard, or too much work? What if the car breaks down and I don't have the money to fix it? 

I keep saying I want to do things, then the difficulties of actually doing them overwhelm me, and I sink back into just surviving. My mind is just so used to failure, I don't know how to succeed. I don't even know if I want to succeed. Success brings its own set of stresses, and I'm not good with success. I've avoided it all my life because I'm so easily overwhelmed and don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations. 

So how do you break out of a lifetime of believing that you are only capable of surviving and get on the road to a better life?

The absolute truth is...I don't know. 

I don't know if I can do better than I'm doing, and I don't even know if I want to try. Right now, I just want to get rid of everything I own and move to a tiny studio in Mexico and JUST BE STILL. 

I'm tired of everything I own, everything I've hung on to for years and years for what? So someone else can have them when I'm dead? I'm tired of living for other people's benefit, ignoring my own.

I'm ... Just ... Plain ... Tired

Exhausted, really. 

Yesterday, my son asked me where I wanted my life to be in a year. I didn't know. I still don't really know, but I know what I don't want.

I don't want to be here, in this city, in this apartment.
I don't want to be holding onto "things" for other people
I don't want to own any more than what I truly need.
I don't want to struggle to pay bills only to end up with nothing for myself.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

If I have to be honest, I may be running away with my plan to live in Mexico, but I feel like I'm running away from something bad, not running away from myself, like I have so many times before. I've accepted myself.
 
I need to be somewhere that I can survive on my own and not have to stress over what other people think I should be. I want to live in a place where I'm not expected to "be better" or "do better," where happiness is not tied to material things, but in spending time with people you love and appreciating what is around you.

I want my joy back. 

I've lost my joy. Nothing makes me joyful anymore. I fake it pretty well, but there is no joy in my life. Not even my gardens make me joyful like they used to. Lately, I just want to rip them all out and throw the plants in the dumpster, because taking care of them is just one more responsibility I don't want. 

I don't know if moving to Mexico will bring me joy, but it will lessen my stress, because most of my stress is financial. Relieving the financial stress of living in a country where there is nowhere I can go to have a decent life that I can truly afford is shortening the life I have. 

I just want out, and I never want to come back. All my life, I've had to be the one who tried to keep everyone happy, but I'm old now, and I deserve some happiness of my own. 

So I've made a decision. I'm going to get rid of everything I own and get out of this 'bound for hell' country where people die and go bankrupt because they can't afford health care, or where they lose everything they've worked all their lives for because of greedy bankers, who they then have to pay taxes to bail out. But most of all, I want to get away from all the hatred. I can't take it anymore, and I do have a choice. 


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